BRISTOL, Tenn. – Before the Irwin Tools Night Race, each driver was introduced to the strains of a supposedly favorite song, after which each said a few words.

            As it turns out, some of the words were unsuitable for family viewing. Since it would be viewed as reflecting questionable taste to reveal exactly what Brad Keselowski said about Kyle Busch, why not just set the whole sordid affair aside and … just fictionalize.

            First, some background. NASCAR drivers have been encouraged this year to wreck each other but not talk about it. But there’s no way anyone’s going to get a secret fine unless he’s talking to the media. Wait a minute. Check that. The print media.

            So … during introductions at Bristol Motor Speedway, Kyle Busch cheerfully greeted boos by assuring the fans, as if he were some rasslin’ manager, that he was going to win again – he won in trucks Wednesday and Nationwide Friday – and they might as well get used to it. Keselowski was less artful and more coarse.

            A.J. Allmendinger said he hoped he would be in front of Busch the Younger and Keselowski when they wrecked. (Fifty thousand people said, in unison, “Fat chance.”) Tony Stewart said he hoped to be behind them so he could watch it, and Carl Edwards ambled out to the strains of “Why Can’t We Be Friends?”

            In order to get more details, check out the Internet, cable TV or satellite radio, where the community standards are less restrictive.

            Here’s what some drivers should have said:

            “Hi, I used to be Bobby Labonte.”

            “I’m Landon Cassill, and there’s an excellent chance you know nothing about me.”

            “Hi, I’m Robby Gordon, and if the money is right, I’ll put anybody in one of my cars.”

            “I’m Regan Smith. Just call me Mr. President.”

            “Hello, folks, I’m Kevin Conway, and I make commercials with another Jimmy Johnson.”

            “Marcos Ambrose here. This is nothing compared to wrestling a croc.”

            “Hi, I’m Sam Hornish Jr., and I’d be in several halls of fame right now if I’d never heard of NASCAR.”

            “Hi, I’m Michael McDowell, and I’m going to put on a great show for at least 10 laps.”

            “I’m Jeff Gordon, and I want another championship! A championship, I tell you. And I don’t care if I never win another race!”

            “Hi, I’m Juan Pablo Montoya. God bless South America.”

            “Like, guess what? I’m Joey Logano. This is neat because my dad said it was OK for me to say this.”

            “Hi, I’m Jimmie Johnson. Resistance is futile.”

            Let me apologize for being unfair. McDowell actually made it 20 laps.

You may contact Monte Dutton at mdutton@gastongazette.com.